Ice, Ice, Baby
A man named Andy Williams once became quite enamored with the Christmas season, which we know because he later sang the endearing and now-famous words, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
PSA: He was wrong - so very wrong.
Now, I won’t deny that Christmas as a holiday is lovely. It’s my favorite holiday by far. I like spending time with my family, going to the Christmas Eve church service, eating obscene amounts of food, and all that. But the time? It’s the most wonderful time of the year? I simply cannot get behind that.
Winter is not the most wonderful time of the year. It has its perks, to be certain. There are snowmen and snowball fights, plus you get to drink hot chocolate. But it also has its downfalls. It is disgustingly cold. Snow turns gray and gross. It’s cold. You can’t drink iced coffee without people staring at you like you’re a psycho. The trees look dead. It’s cold. You wear a ridiculous amount of layers and then have to shed them once you enter a building, like some creepy hypothermic snake with Mariah Carey stuck in its head. You shower and then your hair freezes when you go outside. You wear a hat but then you look bald. It’s cold.
After the events of earlier this week, I feel obliged to bring up one particular characteristic of winter. That characteristic is ice. Ice has its perks. It’s fun. But it also has its downfalls: us. We are the downfalls. Down we fall. Here is my lovely little list of the things you should not, and sometimes should, do on ice.
Please Do Not Try This at Home/College
Wake up for your 8 a.m. class at 7:54
We can do it normally, I know. We somehow do it day after day and still manage to make it to class on time (ish). But our normal powers of superspeed seem to abandon us when it's icy out. Our normally powerful strides are reduced to a little old lady shuffle, meaning our two minute sprint to class looks a lot more like a ten minute fight for our lives. You can still try it, if you’d like. Wake up at 7:54 in panic mode, throw on whatever clothes are at the top of your drawer, become the world’s fastest tooth-brusher, and be on your merry way. But be warned: you may become one of winter’s downfalls.
Practice your cartwheel
We all like self-improvement. We like to gain new skills and learn new things. A cartwheel seems like a great skill to learn. They look super cool and fun, and like the book of Ecclesiastes says, “for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (3:1). Unfortunately, the season for cartwheels is not winter, and you should not practice them on ice if you would like to remain under heaven.
Watch your brother slip on the ice, then mock him so aggressively that you yourself slip on the ice and fall into a snow pile right in front of the giant windows of the dining hall while it’s full of people.
It’s a thing, you guys. I heard about it. From… people. Other people. That aren’t me. Because I’ve never done this, obviously. Why would I do that? *Nervous laughter*
Please Do Try This at Home/College
Learn how to moonwalk
You’ve always wanted to be able to moonwalk. I know you have. And guess what? The time is now. Ice is the perfect dance floor to master this new skill. The less friction there is, the better it’ll turn out. In theory.
Penguin slide
Pretty self-explanatory. Obviously, it would be more fun if you recruited an entire flock of penguin sliders. The more, the merrier. Penguin sliding can be freestyle, relay races, cross country, or really anything you’d like. If you happen to have any enemies, this can also be a great opportunity to intimidate them. You simply need to get your flock to target that specific person. As the enemy walks towards you, the whole flock will penguin slide at them in unison. They will be intimidated. (Extra points if you have epic background music. Minus points if the enemy is a professor. That will not end well for you.)
Set up a tripwire
People will trip. They might fall. “Oh no,” they will say, embarrassed because you saw them fall, “This darn ice! So slippery.” You will agree, cackling furiously inside but trying to look sympathetic. That darn ice.
Thus concludes my list of fun activities to do and to avoid while it is icy outside. To once again contradict dear Andy Williams, winter is not the most wonderful time of the year. It’s not bad either, though, and whether you take my slightly unsound winter advice or not, I do hope you get to enjoy a restful Christmas break filled with fun, family, food, and *pretend Christ also starts with an f* Christ.
Merry Christmas!